Last night, Twitter was all the buzz over Beyonce’s silent announcement that she was with child (yay!) Before you knew it, three Twitter accounts, all claiming to be the fetus of Bey-Z began tweeting out quirky little comments that kept The Twitter a buzz late into the night.
Back in the real world, however, Tweets and Facebook status began ringing of an old familiar battle cry amongst men and women.
Here’s a taste:
@DJBeans704: Beyonce dated, married, then got pregnant….LADIES #takenotes
@ Tired of these guys tellin ladies”Ooooh look at bey.”
@ For the men talking abt the order of things, why don’t you marry a woman before you get her pregnant? goes both ways.
RT @Right! I guess the women who got pregnant first did that all by themselves? #gtfoh#MenTakeNote
As a woman who did NOT do it in “order”, @DJBeans704, I found that the outcry from men (and women) everywhere that Beyonce + Jay’s example was to not only set a standard but serve as the constant reminder for all of us who chose to bring life into the world without a ring that there are some hostile, negative views towards single mothers.
I could dissertate the underlying issues of the “blame game”.
I could exegete the historical context of women + men relationships, how slavery played a part, the “Baby Boy” syndrome, and the diabolical break down of the Black family.
I could.
I won’t, though.
What I will do is put things in perspective. A God perspective.
Looking through His lens not only will clarify what His intent was for us in our relationships, but how those who have received the short end of the stick (no pun intended) can make the most of this baby frenzy by being reminded of God’s undying love for mothers.
If we followed God’s ideal plan, we wouldn’t even have to have these conversations. We would wait on Him to show us THE ONE, marry as virgins, have kids, and live lives that are virtually free of the pain that comes from choosing our own mates and creating babies with false hopes of future happiness with someone.
We know, in reality, it just doesn’t always work out that way.
But because God’s promises to us are always available to those who believe, we have the ability to jump right in and take advantage of the good life *cue Kanye* and we aren’t subject to the ridicule, judgement, and supercilious opinions of others.
God loves the Keisha + RayRay’s just as much as they Bey + Jay’s.
Whether you do it His way or the world’s way, God’s ability to bless a woman/man and the child they create doesn’t stop because mistakes were made.
Take Hagar for example. Hagar was the mistress of Abraham (you know, the father of many nations) and had a baby by him (she didn’t become a millionaire, though.) As to be expected, His wife Sarah didn’t like the fact that his baby mama was birthing babies, living all in the crib, so she told Abraham that he had to put her out. (Genesis 16:1-6)
Hagar took her son, Ishmael, packed up some food and water and hit the pavement with nowhere to go, no shelter, nothing.
Once she ran out of food and water, she left Ishmael under a shade bush and she prepared to say her last goodbyes as she knew certain death from starvation and dehydration was inevitable. (Genesis 21:15-21) She cried out to God for help. He heard her.
Not only did God intervene on her behalf and show her a place to find water, He gave Ishmael hunting skills far above any other kid in his region. He made a great man out of Hagar’s “mistake”.
What is the matter with you, Hagar? Do not fear, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him by the hand; for I will make a great nation of him” (Genesis 21:17-18).
It takes two to make a thing go right.
We are all free moral agents. God made us that way. We have the ability to choose to follow Him or not. The wonderful thing about grace and mercy is that we still have the ability to receive all of His promises for our life, even with a baby on our hip.
While much of the attention of yesterday’s tweets were focused on the plight of women, men have an equally important part to play in it all.
Proverbs 18:22 says Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
Notice that the man finds a special, unmerited, DIFFERENT type of favor ONCE (after) he finds the wife.
You want to talk about the ORDER of things, gentlemen? Find your God-given purpose. Operate in it. Become successful in it. Seek God about who your wife should be. Be BRAVE enough to ask her to marry her. Be responsible enough to not have sex with her, create a baby with her, and help create the life God intended for her. It is THEN, my friends, you find a special kind of favor with God.
Since we want to talk about order and things…
Aaaaanyway…
Let’s not condemn the Keisha + RayRay’s of the world. Let’s celebrate life and God’s mercy on us all to get another chance to get it right. We can debate all day about how things are unfair and how people aren’t taking responsibilities for their actions.
But when you know better, you do better. We can change our perspective now we know what God’s intent and feelings are towards those of us who birth children into the world, married or not.
What you decide to do with this knowledge will make the difference.
Standing up for Keisha + RayRay but striving to do it right like Bey + Jay,
Alisha L.
Rev. Alisha L. Gordon 
Amen! As a single parent of two who didn’t follow the order, I was tremendously blessed by your article. I am often saddened by how judgemental and selfrighteous we christians can be. In our zeal and quest to share the good news, we often leave
others wondering what’s good about it. I’m all about honesty and truth but truth and honesty does not mean self-righteous judgement Saint’s. Keep up the great work. We need more people like you sharing the REAL GOOD NEWS!
Very good post maam… Loved it.
Thank you, Alex! As Diddy says, “share with the woooooorld!”
This was brilliantly written. “Moral free agents”…. I may have to “borrow” that! :~)
Borrow away! 🙂
Interesting
Alisha,
I’m a single mother also of a wonderful talent 15 year old son. I’m so very Blessed to have him in my life. God gave me a life to change my life. Yes, I was not married and Yes, I’m still a single mother, BUT God! He’s Blessed me in so many ways. He’s given me the ability to finish college (3 times), purchase a home, and have a very good job. I have a very loving family. My parents where disappointed but after my son was born, all was forgiven. My son was raised in a very loving home. I feel that if you let your children know they are loved, their life will turn out very differently.
Agreed!
The cause of disappointment is expectations. Most parents have an “ideal” path they have for their children and getting a child is never in the plan.
But if you prove yourself as a woman. Then the world overlooks your shortcomings and sees you for the greater person that you are.. (this applies to both men and women). The problem arises when someone consistently portrays bad judgement and makes mistake after mistake..
I know very many single mothers who do a better job than married mothers. Thus the institution of marriage is just a shell. What matters is the people in it.
There’s nothing in this post I disagree with! And you’re right — the plight of single motherhood is the countless women who don’t have good judgement and continue the trap of poverty and low-level living for themselves and their children. The perpetuation of the the “ghetto, impoverished” single mother is a sweeping generalization that doens’t apply to many of us who fall into the SM category. I never planned to be a single mom but I also didn’t plan well enough to make smart decisions to ensure it didn’t happen either!
And take this into consideration: the divorced parent, the woman who becomes a single parent because of divorce: Are the same social stigmas applied to her because her child was birthed into a marriage but became a single parent by default? #Rhetorical
I couldn’t agree more; what matters most is the people who are parenting the children! Thanks for replying!
So, are you saying. Let’s not work on improving? And when there’s a great of example we shouldn’t celebrate it? The US has the highest rate of teen pregnancies.
It’s one thing to make poor choices, but when those choices are celebrated — something needs to be done.
Oh, absolutely not saying we shouldn’t work on improving. As you can see, I ended my post by saying I’m striving to live as a “Bey + Jay”…
We shouldn’t ever celebrate sub par living. We’re destined to live better than that! My point was to not shun the Keisha’s and RayRays of the world because they have the same blessing on their life as the Bey’s and Jay’s do.
Hi. I liked the article and I respect peoples choice to have an alternative kind of family and I’m not tryin to be a butt. But I don’t think Haggar is a good example of what you’re trying to illustrate. What I get as a reasonable inference from the text is that God took care of Haggar and Ishmael because it was still Abraham’s seed and he established a covenant with Abraham to bless all his descendants. In addition to that, I think it was God’s way of standing up for Haggar because she was instructed as the slave of Sarah to sleep with Abraham and to bear a child for him and then Sarah trips on her when she’s jealous. That’s an injustice. But God also instructed Haggar to go back and submit to Sarah and tells her that Ishmael will be made great AND be a thorn in his brothers side. Ishmael and Issac are the divide of Israel as a result of Abraham (at his wifes nagging no less) stepping outside of the two covenants he made (with his wife in front of God and with God directly). So you’re right that men are just
Yes! There are soooo many things that make the Hagar story exactly what you said. One of the great things about God’s Word is that we can pull out certain aspects to teach a lesson that is applicable to our lives, as long as we don’t twist it and pervert it, of course! You know your Word, for sure! God did great things for Hagar and Ishmael and I didn’t even begin to touch on the topics you’ve presented! Good stuff.
as responsible as the woman in procreation and following biblical protocol and yes God’s grace, mercy, provision is accessible to all-but I’m getting alot of people defending the alternative as if the right way isn’t the right way. We shouldn’t judge unmarried but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to celebrate the preferred way to have children. Issac and Ishmael are of a blended family. As a person who comes from a LOVING blended family who receives God’s favor and a personal relationship with him-there is ALWAYS a thorn in somebody’s side. Lol. So those are my two cents.
LOL! Indeed! You’re right — we shouldn’t celebrate single parenthood either because that’s not God’s will either. We ALL have to be thankful for grace and mercy because at the end of the day, it’s the children whose life are affected the most. Sadly, too many of us choose which side of right we’re going to follow versus following the entirety of God’s word. We should strive to do all of it right; wait til marriage to have sex, have babies while married — I’m a single mom and I’m definitely striving to do it the right way the next time! I appreciate your two cents!! Keep challenging us all!
I celebrate your commitment to end the shaming of single parent households! I’d like to take it a step further and say that single parent households should be celebrated and supported. Also, two parent families where the parents understand being together isn’t healthy for them or the child – should also be celebrated (these still get called “single” parent homes even though both parents are raising the child). And somehow when relationships end, we call them mistakes. But if a child, a gift from God came of that relationship, can it ever be said to have failed? Maybe that’s why that relationship existed – to make the child & for the testimony. I find that we all are too eager to call a home “broken” simply because the parents aren’t together. That just doesn’t feel right. Are the present fathers & mothers who are non-custodial to be ignored? I don’t think they should. Also, I must admit I am wary of us encouraging fellow Christians to enter in relationships & procreate “the right way” when we can’t even agree what the right way is. I think we all can agree waiting on marriage for sex is God’s wish for us. But even if we all waited for marriage to have sex, where would same-gender couples find their children? Wait for the virgin-married hetero couples to die off & adopt their orphan children? Or are we to believe God doesn’t want same-gender couples to be parents? I can’t possibly believe that God wishes to grant any LESS mercy & favor to Her/His gay children. The very three way relationship you speak of – Abraham, Sarah & Hagar wasn’t in defiance of God just because Abraham didn’t marry Hagar. If anything, Sarah’s bitterness was defiant. So I can’t agree in calling Ishmael Hagar’s “mistake”. What God intended is exactly what happened. Ishmael was Abraham & Hagar’s blessing – Sarah’s as well. That relationship was a testimony! Though the scripture leaves us little information to go with, I really feel like God used the Hagar + Abraham + Ishmael family to teach Sarai of Her/His power, benevolence & favor. In Genesis 18, Sarah’s faith is challenged – she’s forced to confront the fact that God was granting her mercy & favor in spite of her not believing to be deserving of it.
Alisha thank you for yet another enlightening post.
I’m reading this late, and didn’t know about what was happening on Twitter but I’m not surprised. I got a lot of things from your article, but what I gleam to be the most important message is to lift one another up. It’s one thing to discern right from wrong (although we should first look at ourselves), but to put others down in the process, especially in such a generalized way is not right. It’s not Christian, really it’s not even being a good person regardless of one’s beliefs.
To think if we were all doing “this right”, we wouldn’t engage in per-marital sex, cheat, lie, envy, etc. You can’t look at one couple and uphold them just in order to make a whole group of women (and men) feel less than.
I’ll speak from experience as a newly married woman. We don’t have kids, BUT we have both engaged in per-marital sex, and many other things that are probably displeasing to God. I’m not on a high horse. I respect single mothers (and fathers), other married couples, and those single without children. I love them, and know that we all fall short, and hopefully at some point we all learn and gain perspective. That’s just what it is…God is great for that.
Wow I meant “pre” marital sex lol…but yall get the point! 😉
Alisha, I think that your point is an excellent one to make. However, I think that using Beyonce and Jay-Z as the images of doing what’s right in God’s eyes is off the mark here. I think that both are very successful people and they seem to love each other very much. Them waiting to have a baby until after they married is one that I don’t think was determined by their relationship with God or wanting to do “what’s right” in His eyes, but more or less was help received in the form of birth control. To suggest that these two human beings never engaged in pre-marital sex during their 10-year courtship is definitely off the mark. You can’t hold other single women blameless or as a model example just because they don’t have children versus single women who do have children out of wedlock. The only thing that separates these two groups of women (those with and without children) is that the ones who don’t have children were smart enough to be on some form of birth control while engaging in sexual activity. I don’t think that one group is better than the next. We all fall short. Even the Beyonce’s and Jay-Z’s.