“He that Finds a Wife” Recap

Tonight I attended the “He that Finds a Wife” Relationship Symposium hosted by Praise 102.5 and Jack A. Daniels, the author of I Need a Wife: Where Are the Real Women? The panel consisted of men who were “marriage minded”, and, according to radio host KD Bowe, were “single, successful, ready to commit and emotionally stable.”

I took three pages of notes, jotting down the ideas and concepts expressed by the male panelists and audience members (which consisted of 100+ women and about 20 or so men) and here are the things I heard:

  • Most important thing in a relationship? Self awareness.
  • You don’t have to understand all men or women — just the one you’re with.
  • Men have a hard time making decisions. We live in a time where there’s such an influx of information and decisions, that it makes it harder to decide. This idea was compared to a study conducted where consumers had to choose one type of jelly in a store. The more choices there were, the consumer only bought one.  The fewer choices there were, the consumer not only chose faster, but bought more jars of jelly.
  • 1,000 men were interviewed for Daniels’ book and one of the number one things the men said they wanted was for a woman to “celebrate them and not tolerate them.” (at this point, women in the audience were saying, “WE DO TOO!”)
  • Build relationships one step at a time, don’t give everything up at once.
  • Men don’t like to approach women because when women are in big groups, it’s hard to have a conversation because of the pressure to impress the woman he’s interested in and her friends.
  • Women should smile more. It makes us more approachable.
  • Women should NOT approach men. Men want to hunt and catch.

Um. I think that was it. I’ll let y’all decipher through that on your own. >.<

Now, let me address some things:

The absence of men at this discussion was disheartening BECAUSE this initiative was created by, promoted by, and purposed to be a forum for men to share their views. As I mentioned on Facebook, the absence of men here was very indicative of their absence in other places, but that’s a conversation for another time.

In addition, when the men tried to share their perspectives, some women in the audience  groaned and moaned about their dislikes, and tit-for-tat “y’all do that too!” complaints. This is why our discussions on relationships go nowhere; someone is always trying to one-up their counterpart to prove a point. Let the men have their space to share their views. Listen.

Finally, and probably most importantly, this was a room of “believers”, an event hosted by a Christian radio station and there was not one iota about God’s purpose and design for dating — the only man who hit on this was J. White, the motivational speaker/tap dancer/author whose words were poignant, spirit filled, and reflective of what we really should have discussed at length: knowing who you are in God.

I addressed the idea of purpose and relationships on my blog already, so I wont go into that. But what believers need to know and remember is that you can’t expect to get God like results (“He who findeth a wife finds a good thing…”) with worldly standards and expectations (“let’s play reindeer games until someone just gives in and I settle for you…”). You’ll never get God results that way.

Yes, there should be natural application to our day-to-day experiences, but when you’re talking about finding the ONE for you, that’s a result of divine intervention. It’s not wrapped up in the games, the theories, or the in the pages of Essence or KING Magazine.

I wanted to hear something different. I wanted to really delve in to how believers were applying their knowledge to seek God about their own lives and the process they’re using to filter through who’s worth your time and who isn’t. We just threw the darts of accusation back and forth until time ran out.

We did have a chance to mix and mingle (but you could image how that went with a 15-1 women to men ratio)  and I met some really cool people. I also met a young lady who is coming to visit my church this Friday. I think I sealed the deal when I sang impromptu style in the middle of the hallway at Paschal’s. Ha!

I’d like to hear from you guys — as a Christian, how does dating work for you? Do you find yourself stuck in the rut of doing things the world’s way or do you try to really seek God about who you date and what kinds of interactions you have with men/women? Do you think we over think the dating process?

On the Chase,

Alisha L.

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8 thoughts on ““He that Finds a Wife” Recap

  1. kennita says:

    Hey Miss Alisha!! I have so many thoughts on this (from so many different perspectives). As a woman raised by my mom, the word ‘submissive’ was not in the vocabulary. Submissive to me meant giving up my views and living a dormant lifestyle. Coming from a woman, who was strong… independent… and assertive, that was not going to happen for me. No way, no how. It wasn’t until I truly learned what it meant to be submissive that I was able to embrace it fully. And, you can’t be submissive to your man, if you’re not FIRST submissive to God and His Will for your life (that goes for men too). Submitting yourself is HUGE and also very freeing (can you imagine that). I think also, you have to know who you are in GOD. I went through a phase in my early adult life where I felt like I had to look like the chics in KING to get guys to be into me. No one was really truly into a woman who was smart and loved to read… and visit art museums. She wasn’t popular lol. So, I became someone else. Only to live in these unfulfilled relationships with men who only wanted one thing. Is this who God purposed me to be? Not at all… I’m thankful to have gone through it because it brought me back to God and who HE wanted me to be. Not having a father in the home, I didn’t know what my role was as a woman. So, I had to turn to GOD to learn who I am REALLY. What does this look like? And, you can’t talk relationships without sex lol. So… a couple weeks back I read a couple articles (maybe from Essence) on women who were single, saved and having sex. Say what? Where they do that at? I think as Christians, we can’t manipulate the BIBLE for what we want it to be. Meaning, yes we are human. Yes, we have free will. But the BIBLE is uber clear on that which is acceptable and unacceptable. We are to be the salt of the earth. To walk the path that is narrow… to live our lives in a way that is pleasing to God. So, is it possible to abstain from sex? Yes, should we? Yes, if we are not married. And, we shouldn’t make excuses for when we mess up. As women, sometimes we relinquish our beliefs because we’re lonely. You also mentioned the ‘tit for tat’ of women counter-attacking men. For me (because I’ve done it), it was a couple of things. One, it was a defense mechanism so that I wouldn’t have to look at what role I played in a particular disagreement. Two… as my mate would be talking to me… I’d be already coming up with my response. If while you’re talking, I’m coming up with my response… am I really engaged in the conversation? Not at all lol. So, things get lost in translation. As someone who’s looking to get married at some point… I’ve found that the key to dating is a solid foundation. As a Christian, that starts with GOD. That’s the foundation. Are we aligned in what we believe and how to raise our babies yati yati yati. Are we living our lives as individuals for God?

  2. Alisha L. Gordon says:

    Hey Kennita! Wow your story sounds so much like mine — trying to be something I’m not to gain the attention of men who had no business being in my life. And you’re absolutely right; bible is bible and we have to follow it to have the life God wants us to have!

    Girl — your comment about how women are thinking of the answer before the guy finishes talking — that’s exactly what was happening last night! I was like, “this is why so many of us are single — we don’t LISTEN.” We have to learn to listen intently even if we disagree to make sure he feels that validation I mentioned in the blog.

    But you’re right — if we aren’t secure in God and know our purpose in Him, none of this matters. You can have all the right answers, know exactly what to do, but if your heart is for God and you’re not rooted in Him, everything else is fleeting. That’s what I was saying in my blog post about Purpose and Relationships — we HAVE to know who we are in God in order to make relationships work. Using this worldly wisdom will have you divorced and alone, chile.

    I want to do it God’s way!

  3. Jackie Holness says:

    I can’t comment like I want to right now, but I got aplenty to say…Again, men are simple…we are complicated..When a man is ready to find wife, he will. end of story.

    • Alisha L. Gordon says:

      Yes! Reminds me of the spaghetti vs waffle post I wrote a long time ago. Men are waffles. Simple, compartmentalized. Women are spaghetti. Everything is twisted up, tied up!

  4. msqueenlyandconfident says:

    Alisha I attended the gathering held earlier this summer at the Green Room. I concur that Jay was the ONLY man who attempted to stir the conversation in the direction us knowing who we are in God. At this point in my life a man must know himself in God and his divine purpose before anything else can occur.

    I applaud Jack for his work, but it is written and has been marketed to target women, who are the buyers of books and are most on the “hunt” to understand “the hook” of the opposite sex.

    As a result of what I consider a one-side view of this affair, I am looking at hosting a discussion for women around relationships. This is so needed yet many in the body of Christ want to dodge the topics and sweep this and so many other things topics under the rug. (Don’t get me started!)

    How can people know how to live and expect as believers if we don’t bring these topics to the table and stop playing hop-scotch around them?

    Thanks for sharing!

    Zakiya

  5. maria says:

    Christian dating………my saved friends and I disuss this all of the time.I was recently told as a Christian I shouldn’t be dating.(What?)
    I can date but not by worldly standards.

    We are dispensed bad advice everywhere we turn.Essence magazine has become a joke.They celebrate celebrity couples that lack substance.How can I as a single Christian or not respect a relationship that started when one of the parties was married to someone else.

    I took offense to Steve Harvey’s movie “Act like a Lady,Think like a Man” for two reasons.
    #1. The rules he gives are NOT Christian at all.Steve professes to be Christian and despite the fact that we do not talk about it now but Christians are to be set apart.We are not supposed to look like the world.Steve’s rules for dating are unsanctified and worldly.In plain English there is nothing Godly about them.
    #2.So if I take an UnChristian approach to his rules.His rules are rather destructive. I thought like a Man before it was “chic” and Steve decided to bless the whole concept.I must admit I was not saved and had no clue of what GOD desires for male/female relationships.I went head-on with men as if it war.I baffled men at times with my defense mechanisms.I even had one or two that I had the unbeknownst to me to confront me about my behavior.

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