No Do Overs: [Trigger Warning]

It is currently 3:47 AM.

I was just awoken from a disturbing dream that lead to an even more disturbing conclusion. The following may offer some triggers for people; if you or someone you know is considering suicide, this is for you.

I dreamt that I was in a car, sitting in the back driver side seat with two people who I know. There was nothing abnormal about the three of us being together as we all knew each other. We were parked in the driveway of my childhood home.

I was telling the backseat passenger that I needed a “do-over” in life, I needed to start over and start afresh. The backseat passenger suggested that I kill myself so I can get a “new life.” The driver of the car suggested the same thing. “Yeah, kill yourself — it’s like getting a do-over. You’ll die and come back to life.”

In my present mind, I know that is impossible — you don’t die and come back to life but in the dream, it seemed as if it was something I did not know. The driver handed me a revolver that had a digital screen on it that showed the number of bullets left in it.

We cycled through this process: 1. I want to start my life anew 2. You should kill yourself to get a new life 3. Here’s a gun to do it with if you want to go through with it.

I remembered asking the driver how he knew that it worked and the backseat passenger chimed in, “People do it all the time! Doesn’t it make sense, to die and get a new life?” Seemingly clueless on how to actually kill myself, I asked how to do it. The driver said, “You just point and shoot. Anywhere. Easy. You’ll be back before you know it.”

In the dream this illogical thought process seemed to get stuck in a Matrix of sort; it kept cycling through in real-time and in my mind until finally something clicked.

“I don’t have to kill myself to gain new life. That’s what Jesus is for. “

Suddenly, I woke up.

I scrambled for my iPhone to type what happened in the dream because I knew its as something that I could not forget. And now, I am up at nearly 4 AM quickly typing down what I feel like the Spirit of God wants me to tell someone — even if it’s one person: suicide does not offer you a do-over.

You do not gain “another life” by killing yourself. There’s no way in this earthly realm where if you decide to take your life that you will get another chance to do life “right,” whether that’s here or in eternity.

The hope you are desperately grasping for is in Jesus and Jesus alone. Life is not a video game where you can intentionally throw your self off of a digitally enhanced bridge and get a re-up life later. Once this earthly life ends, that is it. There are no do-overs.

Jesus wants to offer you the new life that you want! Jesus wants to give you the chance to be everything you see in your head and everything your heart longs for. Put the gun down. Flush the pills. Tear up the note. Throw the razor or knife out the window and keep going. Jesus is waiting for you — here on this earth.

Now, call someone — anyone. Tell them what you were thinking. If you don’t have anyone to call, the National Suicide Hotline has people there 24 hours a day (REALLY) to talk to you. No judgement, total confidentiality. They will lead you to the holistic help you need to keep moving forward. Their number is: 1-800-273-8255.

Finally, say this prayer with me: Jesus, though my heart and my mind is confused and rattled with pain, I know you brought me to this moment to encounter you in a way like never before. Through you, I have a new lease on life — please send me the people I need in my life to help me. Show me the places I need to go to get a fresh start. Reveal to me the things that trigger these thoughts and, through the power of the Holy Spirit, move them out of my life. I am free today and forevermore, never to return here again. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s now 4:06 AM. My email address is piecemetogether@gmail.com. All emails are confidential and will never be compromised. I’m not a professional counselor or have any kind of background in suicide prevention or anything. I do, however, have a compassionate heart for those who think that suicide is the only option. I’ve been there. I’ve come out of it, too.

Pass this along. You never know who it may be for.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep now.

On the Chase,

Alisha L.

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