I am breaking the cycle.

I am breaking the cycle.

I am breaking the cycle.

In my head, there’s a vision of a person who is strong, fearless. A person who speaks in front of 10’s of thousands of people, who uses her words to motivate and inspire other people into greatness. In my head, I travel the country talking on the radio, T.V. about my books, my platform to revolutionize women, their outlook, and who they can be. I do things never done before all by a person who had humble beginnings, expectations, and hopes.

All in my head.

But in reality, I’m afraid of that person. She scares me to death. I don’t know who she is, how she’ll ever come to be, or if she’ll ever be a real life, breathing person. She’s so big, so magnificent, so capable, ready, and equipped.

Have you ever had a day dream where you see yourself doing something so big, so major that you snap out of it, look around your humble apartment or home, alone or with three kids standing around you and realize that who that person you dream of does not exist? Has someone ever told you that your dream is too big, it can’t be done, or that you don’t have the skills, education, ability, beauty, smarts, or money to do it?

You will break the cycle.

You will break the cycle.

You will break the cycle.

Face time, folks. Remove the bondage of inadequacy. You are not inadequate.

You have every skill, ability, financial power, level of education you need. Everything you need to be the person you see in your head, you already have. If you did not, would you  be dreaming it?

At this point, you’re either near tears or feeling angry. Tears because you know that, in the dark nights, this is exactly how you feel. Anger because I’m stepping on your toes and you don’t want to admit that you’ve put up a facade long enough to make everyone believe that you are stronger than you really are. You believe that your social organizations, advanced degrees, and family ties have “qualified” you to be who you say you want to be. But be honest, no matter what you have, you still feel, in a number of ways, inadequate.

Be honest. You don’t feel like what you’ve done is enough to get you to where you want to be, do you?

But where you are now is a reflection of what God began in you years ago.

“…being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete [it] until the day of Jesus Christ;” Philippians 1:6, NKJ

I’ve been on a quest all year to write my book, Pieces, and by now, I was hoping that I would have had a literary agency to represent me and my work. I’ve gotten nothing but rejection letters, some nice, some not so nice, but, I know that in this business, that is to be expected. As anyone should do, I’ve done my research about what literary agents are looking for, what makes them “believe” in a project. My non-fiction book, according to one resource, has to answer the question, “what makes me qualified to write on this topic?” I sat back and thought about that question, and in the scope of society’s standard, nothing does. Oh, other than the fact that I had a kid, unmarried, at the age of 22.

I don’t have a Ph.D. in child psychology; I didn’t study at Harvard or Yale. I attended a small women’s college in Atlanta that has been named one of the top liberal arts colleges in the nation year after year. I don’t have a lifetime of experience (I’m only 27) and I’ve done no extensive research on women, their psyche, and what dictates “good mothering experiences.” I have, however, countless friends who are mothers, daughters, wives, and widows. I’ve never written a book in my life, and quiet as kept, I always have to double check my grammar; it’s never been my strong point. But I do know good writing when I read it and I can tell a good story.  I’m not from Malibu or any ritzy town in America and my daddy isn’t made of money… I’ve only seen him 3 or 4 times in the last three years. I’m from a middle to lower class neighborhood in Decatur where trap boys trap, girls fall for the quick game rap, and if you’re lucky you can catch the t-shirt man on Candler Road selling white T’s 10 for $20.

Those reasons and those reasons alone qualify me to finish the work God has started in me. There’s nothing ordinary about me and I’m not deemed to live a mediocre, ordinary life. I can be the woman who I see in my head because God gave me all of the tools to be that.

My hood ways, my Spelman refinement.
My broken heart, my healing in a 4 year old.
My wild imagination, my controlled tongue.
My inexperience, my countless friends and family who know better than I.

All have equipped me. All have validated me. All give me the ability to be who I see in my head.

If you get nothing else from this, remember: Simply because you do not have the title, degree, or association does not disqualify you. You have already been called, deemed needed, necessary, and, in your own right, a requirement for God’s plan in the earth to come to pass.

You are who you think you’re not.

On the Chase,

Alisha L.